Oh, how many times have we made choices based on the needs, desires, expectations of others. For me… I can count several times I have allowed friends, family, lovers, spouses, co-workers… or even myself make me feel guilty, obligated due to pacts, agreements, or those silent unwritten rules we tend to follow believing they exist. Yet, what inevitably follows is remorse which can take on various forms. These forms become conditions we later place upon ourselves, and initially more so on others and too we then perceive future outcomes resulting in similar situations, leaving us to feel hesitant to make plans, agreements, or promises.
How many times have family members seem to need our assistance at the worst possible moments when so much of our own lives are calling in need of immediate attention? How many times have we felt “called” or “pulled” to leave an unhealthy, unbalanced, or unwanted situation yet we were convinced to stay anyways? How many times have we made important plans or promises to ourselves, even to relatives, a significant other, etc. yet a co-worker or boss is asking us to forsake our time off and needs for theirs in which to meet deadlines or fill in for someone who is on vacation? How many times have we made promises to ourselves only to break them the minute another asks us for our time, money, or other energies shared/exchanged?
Now, we wish to emphasize there is absolutely nothing wrong or to feel guilty about when it comes to a true and innate desire of helping others. For there are times we will need to reach out despite our pride and ask for assistance… a lending hand, which in the end we know or perceive the sacrifices made for us and had come to mean so much… so much so, that perhaps at times we feel indebted to them VS. recognizing they made a choice. They could just as easily have said no, yet out of love, mutual understanding and empathy for your given situations said “yes.” For they earnestly wanted to help someone they love or cared about. This is truly the meaning of a selfless act. A selfless act means no strings attached… meaning there is no hidden agenda, no paybacks required, no underlying or hidden expectations placed upon another for their willingness to help. In this, it is essential and only fair we offer up the same for others in kind. When we are willing to reach out to help others… please do so for the sake of the love behind the act, the gratitude that they are in our lives and we are able to be of help… to do so with any other underlying agendas can often find ways to disappoint in the end, and often not by intention.
Therein lies some confusion between setting healthy and realistic boundaries and the choices we make. We at some point or another tend to “buy into” or perceptively believe that we don’t really have much choices in various matters. That if we refuse to act, offer our assistance, or do as we are told… potential resentments, rebuttals, retaliations, or other unpleasant experiences or the risk of losses perceivably can occur. Within this, we can end up creating unhealthy perceptions, accusations, and placing needless blame or shame upon others, when in fact, whether we like to know this or not… we still have a choice and the only one that can make that choice is ourselves.
It is a matter of being completely honest with ourselves and our hearts, as our heart innately knows what is best and safest for us as individuals to follow. Yet, how many times have we gone against our heart… or gut instinct? we begin thinking or rehashing previous beliefs held that if we go against what others need, expect, or wish… despite our inner guidance’s… greater consequences tend to occur. Yet, within this… many find in the end the self-fulfilling prophies took hold anyways simply because we chose to react or engage out of fear of those obligations, or perceived retaliations of others, which by having ignored our intuitions the outcomes ended up far outweighing what any of those fears or concernments could deliver. These gut instincts were clues we simply were not aligned for that particular task, time, etc. That instead of finding a healthy and balanced compromise we ended up with accidental mistakes, potential injuries, or ruined relations as a result.
For an example: Some people, face obligations from their parents for giving them life, a good home, a great education, etc. As such, for some of these parents, their desire for their children is to go to med school, law school, veterinary school, play in a professional sports league, when these children/young adults/adults desire a career in the arts and entertainment industry, to become a writer, to become an engineer or architect, or become a teacher, etc. Perhaps some parents wish to see their children married off with kids of their own… just like they. But since these parents paid with their own blood, sweat, and tears for such upbringings, or too… it was a dream they once held for themselves but never fulfilled due to the sacrifices made to raise their children, the least these children feel they can do is make their parents proud of them or fulfill the dreams their parents were not able to do for self.… even though the thought of fulfilling their parent’s dreams is not what these children truly desire or feel called to do for themselves…. Fearing the pressures from their parents, or face their parent’s wrath for not following their parent’s dream for them, or never hearing the end of their parent’s complaints if they don’t comply or fulfill that dream held for them.
Yet, in truth… in the long run others may suffer the consequences of such choices made. Some of us have witnessed doctors, lawyers, veterinarians, athletes, etc. who simply cannot put their heart, passion, or love in what they do. This then shows up in their work. People can sense these professionals are not willing or are even capable of doing all that can be done. This often had led to serious mistakes or mishandlings were made at the expense of such uninspired career choices. These professions then tend to put themselves at risk for lawsuits, getting fired, or too these children having felt forced into these careers carry out lives of depression, tension, anxiety, and resentments. Some have gone as far as to drink or use drugs to escape their realities. With this, the parents really don’t get their wishes fulfilled and the children are the ones left to suffer… feeling they not only let their parents down, they let others and themselves down too. In this no one truly wins.
It is always better to choose what is right and best for us and individuals. Our families, friends, loved ones, etc. will not always agree with our choices, yet no other can live our lives for us. They do not have to live day to day with our choices made or live with the feelings, beliefs, thoughts we carry about these choices. We only live this particular vibrational experience once. It is important to honor ourselves and our families by doing what we feel called to do best. In this everyone wins in the end... even if at first others do not always agree.
We cannot be responsible for the choices our parents make. We cannot make up for their losses, as it was by Divine design these choices were made and followed, even if the parents cannot see this for themselves. Again, we are not always born to pick up where our parents left off. We came here with our own purposes to fulfill. It is one thing if we truly feel a love… a genuine calling to follow in our family’s footsteps, yet again… it is quite another to be expected or demanded of us to live out their dreams for them.
When it comes to setting healthy boundaries and choices, we wish to look at other experiences such as when we tend to agree to stay VS. leaving an unhealthy situation. It is not uncommon for people to feel guilty for leaving an unhealthy situation as we see what leaving could potentially do to those they leave behind, leaving us to either feel sorry for them or responsible as we worry, as some may threaten to do harm unto themselves because they simply are not ready to let us go or feel incapable of taking care of themselves. The same guilt can be felt when we feel torn in offering to help and/or offer someone money when we know that person would not benefit in the long run or in a healthy, balanced way from this; as the person who is seeking our help or is seen in need of help has repeatedly gotten into situations less serving of themselves or of others involved and too refuses to take full responsibility of themselves or in getting the professional help necessary to overcome these repeated patterns.
We know if this were us, we would greatly appreciate all help given, therefore feel we are doing a disservice to others when we fail to continue to help such Beloveds despite their repeated and destructive patterns, fearing the worst results if we don’t. Yet we need to consider what is truly heathy or balanced for all involved when it comes to making choices to stay in unhealthy situations or helping those who refuse to help themselves, playing the roles of perceived “helpless victims.” We need to admit to ourselves, we are not always doing this for the greater good of these beloved ones, but more so to ease our own minds or conscience. We do not wish to have to deal with the guilt or daily concerns of our choices made to leave or in the refusing to offer further assistance than what was already given. We also tend to question how others would perceive of us for having to make such decisions. Most of us wish to be seen in a positive light and not wish to do anything to jeopardize or discourage that image we have created or innately know ourselves to be. Because we tend to believe in a sense of responsibility or obligation to uphold their care… due to earlier promises made or of their relation to us, we allow that sense of responsibility come at the price of our time, money, energy, health, or overall sanity… believing this is the right thing to do. When in fact, no one wins at this rate in the end.
When repeated patterns continue to be made with refusal to get help or when a person becomes heavily dependent on another for one’s way of life, happiness, success, purpose, financial assistance, etc. It is vital they find proper and professional assistance to aid them to do for themselves and overcome such self-destructive patterns or dependencies. For, we are not responsible to that depth and degree that we become a crutch. This, in time not only depletes us in various ways, but too we become an unhealthy, imbalanced enabler of which the person becomes so dependent they lose the belief in the ability to care or do for themselves.
It may very well be they have a difficult journey ahead, yet, it is necessary to encourage them to attain a healthy life of their own for their own sake and well-being, as well as, that of yours. We for one, may not always be around for them to lean on, nor should they become a responsibility for others. If a person refuses to let you go or refuses to help themselves… tough love may be called for. It is important to remember that to stay or continue aiding addictions by continuing to bail them out of jams, always being there to clean up their messes, or watch over them is not always for their betterment and as such, it may be necessary to leave in realization they made their choices of which you are not responsible for, more so if they are an adult. They have their own minds and lives to live just as you have a right to yours. If the person of concern is under the legal age, though we may be the appointed legal guardian or parent, there are simply somethings we are not able or meant to do alone. It is important for the future of this young adult, teen, or child to get the proper and necessary care and treatments so they can go on to live full productive lives.
In choosing to stay making yourself believe they cannot do for themselves, eventually will lead to your resentments of them. In the end, the one who makes all the sacrifices becomes burnt out and becomes forced to realize they can no longer provide or stay as they have. It is then… the results still end up remaining the same. Either these Beloveds get help for themselves, or they need to live with their choices, as you are not responsible for their care any longer. There is no blame or shame for this realization or choices made, there is no fault for you choosing your life and overall well-being.
In setting boundaries, there are potential risks we run into when we do things out of placements of guilt… not wanting to disappoint others, not wanting to lose or risk our credibility or reputation of being the good guy or the sweetheart… the one who comes to the aid of others in time of need. We sometimes feel fueled when we are needed, admired, or respected for stepping up to the plate when others refuse or decline to do so. In this we tend to fall into the hero complex. While it always feels good to be needed, dependable and depended upon, reliable, trusted, etc. we often let it get ahead of ourselves into believing no one else can do what we do or do it as well. While this may very well be true. We cannot be everywhere for everyone all the time. With this, we also create a pitfall when we feel guilty for having others pitch in when we are not able to offer our time or services. We need to remember the importance of balanced selfcare. To always make time for our needs, our heart’s truest desires in life we wish to see fulfilled. When we choose to use this time out playing the hero… eventually that too can lead to resentments… “Why must I always be the one they call upon first?” “Why can’t anyone else do this for a change?” “Why should they??? You made sure you were always there; you gave them the feeling of dependability… that you are the reliable one… the needed one. You made them feel you are the only one who knows best how to get the task at hand done, instead of taking time out, if applicable, to teach or mentor others to do what you do, so you would no longer feel overextended or burning the candle out at both ends. When all is said and done, you managed to get what you wished for… but to what end? While it is good to step up to the plate to help in times of need and to be needed, make sure you allow others a chance too in stepping up, even if they need to be selected or called out to do so. In the end you will be doing yourself and others a favor.
In making healthy choices and setting boundaries, we often perceive an existence of unwritten/unspoken assumed rules, expectations, or requirements of us in which we tend to follow… more so the ones we make to ourselves or project out to others, acting as if others expect this from us.
Just as we begin making pacts or vows in taking better care of ourselves, to protect or stand up for our rights to be, think, do, or say, to finally throw our hat in the ring for that promotion just opening up, to go back to school after so much time has passed of putting the needs of others first, or deciding to take that much needed vacation… we continue to break our promises to fulfill our needs, desired plans, or goals… no matter their importance to us; perceiving out of guilt or fears others will see it is not the right time, place, or reason to uphold them in light of matters or the concerns of others. Or too, we believe if we do not do the wills, request, or follow the rules of such unwritten/unspoken expectations, requirements…. others may in all actuality have in store for us, we will face a wrath of consequences, that others will think less of us or will no longer call upon us trusting to help them in their time of need. That we will lose their respect or worse… we will lose these people we hold dear, as we choose to protect our needs or desires, standing our ground.
In truth, like with any of the cases or examples mentioned above, it is important to set healthy, reasonable, and attainable boundaries. That despite the experiences mentioned above… we always have a choice. We may face having to make some difficult choices, yet in the end… no matter the situations at hand… we do have a choice. We do have a final say. No one can force our hand to do anything that does not feel right, that causes us to endanger our health, safety, or rights to be. When we feel we have hit our limits or did the best we could and still we continue to find no resolve or happy medium, we then have a choice… a choice to stay in such unhealthy, unsatisfactory, or unattainable situations or we can walk away; realizing… knowing we did the best we could, but now either others will need to take over or others will need to find a way to do for themselves.
We cannot be expected to stay if it brings about more hardship unto ourselves, potential hazards, illness, undo stress, etc. In times like these, professional assistance may be required to ensure further hardship or potential harm does not become inflicted on any member involved within the experiences. That it is acceptable to walk away without blame, shame, guilt for having tried but admitting it may be more than one person or experience can handle.
Should such people find fault or oppose your need to follow your intuition and take a step back… even if temporary, this is no longer of your concern. You need to honor your needs too. Should a person become mentally, emotionally, or physically exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed… no one benefits in the end. In fact, more harm than good can come from this, no matter how well meaningful or intended. There is no shame in seeking further assistance as needed from those equipped to handle such situations. No one person or persons should be expected to do everything alone.
The potential pitfalls or hardships associated with agreements made or hold set expectations of others, is they can easily be broken. We as humans don’t always know or sense when something of the unexpected will come up, or if something ends up being more than one anticipated handling. Even if a person was to have an inkling or sense that something is not right with the agreed timing or plans made… if they cannot pinpoint why… it would be perceivably found more difficult to explain or prove why they cannot follow through at that time, leaving the person with such intuitions and dependencies placed upon them to feel conflicted, torn… obligated. Yet, more often… people have found that by not listening or paying attention to those intuitions, gut feelings, or sense of warnings can come at a price when they go ignored… often bringing with such experiences more than originally bargained for, adding additional difficulty, and making it even more challenging for all involved.
While we may feel that holding expectations and hopes that people will come through for us, we all need to be fair in realizing things are not always of our own choices or doings. That life may host other plans that require more immediate attention, and since most people cannot be in two places at one time…. A difficult choice, often unpleasing to them as it is to others, needs to be made. It would not be fair to uphold such agreements at times like these and too in fairness realize there is an underlying reason, perhaps that goes beyond our understanding at that time why things will need to be postponed… even perhaps indefinitely.
In fairness too, the largest issue many of us face is offering up to doing things we don’t feel aligned in heart to do, but make the choice to do so anyways out of such fears of perceived obligations, feelings of regrets within ourselves or others if we don’t, etc. These are not good enough reasons to enter into such agreements. For nothing good in the end can come of this for anyone… only more of the same fears, obligations, feelings of resentments, etc. will ensue.
It is always honorable to follow what we feel or sense is right and best from heart. We know and can sense if we feel aligned to help but the timing is off, or what they are asking you to do is not your strong suit or you sense this is not going to work out well, no matter your well intentions. In such cases, try to offer another time, another place, another person or perhaps offering to help them seek a professional that will appease all involved.
If one declines such an offer or attempts made, insisting it is you, they want helping them… don’t be afraid to set appropriate ground rules or honor your boundaries when something does not work well for you or you sense you will not work out well for them in light of what it is they expect of you to do. For any such persons who refuse to honor your needs and limitations sensed in such matters will not have your best interest at heart. It is then time to consider walking away to ensure further complications or regrets do not set if you had decided to stay and make it work against your better judgement, having things not turn out right.
It has been experienced that those whose heart is not fully into what they are doing or host great concerns of uncertainty, self-doubt, or knows their limitations but are expected, cohorts, or feel pressured to do what is asked of them, is when mistakes or mishaps can happen. Then the person who was relying on such help becomes angered, disappointed, or upset over the aggravations of an even further complication setting in as a result, often turning the blame on those who did their best attempts to help them, despite the senses of limitations or warnings.
In the end, we should never be afraid to offer our help or assistance to those in need. What is fair and reasonable to all involved is to honor your heart’s guidance and intuitions. To know when to enter into an agreement to help or when to take a step back and allow others the room to assist where needed. To never allow our fears, obligations, perceived existence of unwritten/unspoken assumed rules, expectations, or requirements, nor our ego playing the role of a hero come into our decision-making process when taking into consideration of helping others. To follow our hearts and offer our help out of mere love, respect, and gratitude for one another.
Namaste
#settingboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #boundariesmatter #boundaries #selfcare #selfawareness #generosity #limitations #selflovecoach #selflove
How many times have family members seem to need our assistance at the worst possible moments when so much of our own lives are calling in need of immediate attention? How many times have we felt “called” or “pulled” to leave an unhealthy, unbalanced, or unwanted situation yet we were convinced to stay anyways? How many times have we made important plans or promises to ourselves, even to relatives, a significant other, etc. yet a co-worker or boss is asking us to forsake our time off and needs for theirs in which to meet deadlines or fill in for someone who is on vacation? How many times have we made promises to ourselves only to break them the minute another asks us for our time, money, or other energies shared/exchanged?
Now, we wish to emphasize there is absolutely nothing wrong or to feel guilty about when it comes to a true and innate desire of helping others. For there are times we will need to reach out despite our pride and ask for assistance… a lending hand, which in the end we know or perceive the sacrifices made for us and had come to mean so much… so much so, that perhaps at times we feel indebted to them VS. recognizing they made a choice. They could just as easily have said no, yet out of love, mutual understanding and empathy for your given situations said “yes.” For they earnestly wanted to help someone they love or cared about. This is truly the meaning of a selfless act. A selfless act means no strings attached… meaning there is no hidden agenda, no paybacks required, no underlying or hidden expectations placed upon another for their willingness to help. In this, it is essential and only fair we offer up the same for others in kind. When we are willing to reach out to help others… please do so for the sake of the love behind the act, the gratitude that they are in our lives and we are able to be of help… to do so with any other underlying agendas can often find ways to disappoint in the end, and often not by intention.
Therein lies some confusion between setting healthy and realistic boundaries and the choices we make. We at some point or another tend to “buy into” or perceptively believe that we don’t really have much choices in various matters. That if we refuse to act, offer our assistance, or do as we are told… potential resentments, rebuttals, retaliations, or other unpleasant experiences or the risk of losses perceivably can occur. Within this, we can end up creating unhealthy perceptions, accusations, and placing needless blame or shame upon others, when in fact, whether we like to know this or not… we still have a choice and the only one that can make that choice is ourselves.
It is a matter of being completely honest with ourselves and our hearts, as our heart innately knows what is best and safest for us as individuals to follow. Yet, how many times have we gone against our heart… or gut instinct? we begin thinking or rehashing previous beliefs held that if we go against what others need, expect, or wish… despite our inner guidance’s… greater consequences tend to occur. Yet, within this… many find in the end the self-fulfilling prophies took hold anyways simply because we chose to react or engage out of fear of those obligations, or perceived retaliations of others, which by having ignored our intuitions the outcomes ended up far outweighing what any of those fears or concernments could deliver. These gut instincts were clues we simply were not aligned for that particular task, time, etc. That instead of finding a healthy and balanced compromise we ended up with accidental mistakes, potential injuries, or ruined relations as a result.
For an example: Some people, face obligations from their parents for giving them life, a good home, a great education, etc. As such, for some of these parents, their desire for their children is to go to med school, law school, veterinary school, play in a professional sports league, when these children/young adults/adults desire a career in the arts and entertainment industry, to become a writer, to become an engineer or architect, or become a teacher, etc. Perhaps some parents wish to see their children married off with kids of their own… just like they. But since these parents paid with their own blood, sweat, and tears for such upbringings, or too… it was a dream they once held for themselves but never fulfilled due to the sacrifices made to raise their children, the least these children feel they can do is make their parents proud of them or fulfill the dreams their parents were not able to do for self.… even though the thought of fulfilling their parent’s dreams is not what these children truly desire or feel called to do for themselves…. Fearing the pressures from their parents, or face their parent’s wrath for not following their parent’s dream for them, or never hearing the end of their parent’s complaints if they don’t comply or fulfill that dream held for them.
Yet, in truth… in the long run others may suffer the consequences of such choices made. Some of us have witnessed doctors, lawyers, veterinarians, athletes, etc. who simply cannot put their heart, passion, or love in what they do. This then shows up in their work. People can sense these professionals are not willing or are even capable of doing all that can be done. This often had led to serious mistakes or mishandlings were made at the expense of such uninspired career choices. These professions then tend to put themselves at risk for lawsuits, getting fired, or too these children having felt forced into these careers carry out lives of depression, tension, anxiety, and resentments. Some have gone as far as to drink or use drugs to escape their realities. With this, the parents really don’t get their wishes fulfilled and the children are the ones left to suffer… feeling they not only let their parents down, they let others and themselves down too. In this no one truly wins.
It is always better to choose what is right and best for us and individuals. Our families, friends, loved ones, etc. will not always agree with our choices, yet no other can live our lives for us. They do not have to live day to day with our choices made or live with the feelings, beliefs, thoughts we carry about these choices. We only live this particular vibrational experience once. It is important to honor ourselves and our families by doing what we feel called to do best. In this everyone wins in the end... even if at first others do not always agree.
We cannot be responsible for the choices our parents make. We cannot make up for their losses, as it was by Divine design these choices were made and followed, even if the parents cannot see this for themselves. Again, we are not always born to pick up where our parents left off. We came here with our own purposes to fulfill. It is one thing if we truly feel a love… a genuine calling to follow in our family’s footsteps, yet again… it is quite another to be expected or demanded of us to live out their dreams for them.
When it comes to setting healthy boundaries and choices, we wish to look at other experiences such as when we tend to agree to stay VS. leaving an unhealthy situation. It is not uncommon for people to feel guilty for leaving an unhealthy situation as we see what leaving could potentially do to those they leave behind, leaving us to either feel sorry for them or responsible as we worry, as some may threaten to do harm unto themselves because they simply are not ready to let us go or feel incapable of taking care of themselves. The same guilt can be felt when we feel torn in offering to help and/or offer someone money when we know that person would not benefit in the long run or in a healthy, balanced way from this; as the person who is seeking our help or is seen in need of help has repeatedly gotten into situations less serving of themselves or of others involved and too refuses to take full responsibility of themselves or in getting the professional help necessary to overcome these repeated patterns.
We know if this were us, we would greatly appreciate all help given, therefore feel we are doing a disservice to others when we fail to continue to help such Beloveds despite their repeated and destructive patterns, fearing the worst results if we don’t. Yet we need to consider what is truly heathy or balanced for all involved when it comes to making choices to stay in unhealthy situations or helping those who refuse to help themselves, playing the roles of perceived “helpless victims.” We need to admit to ourselves, we are not always doing this for the greater good of these beloved ones, but more so to ease our own minds or conscience. We do not wish to have to deal with the guilt or daily concerns of our choices made to leave or in the refusing to offer further assistance than what was already given. We also tend to question how others would perceive of us for having to make such decisions. Most of us wish to be seen in a positive light and not wish to do anything to jeopardize or discourage that image we have created or innately know ourselves to be. Because we tend to believe in a sense of responsibility or obligation to uphold their care… due to earlier promises made or of their relation to us, we allow that sense of responsibility come at the price of our time, money, energy, health, or overall sanity… believing this is the right thing to do. When in fact, no one wins at this rate in the end.
When repeated patterns continue to be made with refusal to get help or when a person becomes heavily dependent on another for one’s way of life, happiness, success, purpose, financial assistance, etc. It is vital they find proper and professional assistance to aid them to do for themselves and overcome such self-destructive patterns or dependencies. For, we are not responsible to that depth and degree that we become a crutch. This, in time not only depletes us in various ways, but too we become an unhealthy, imbalanced enabler of which the person becomes so dependent they lose the belief in the ability to care or do for themselves.
It may very well be they have a difficult journey ahead, yet, it is necessary to encourage them to attain a healthy life of their own for their own sake and well-being, as well as, that of yours. We for one, may not always be around for them to lean on, nor should they become a responsibility for others. If a person refuses to let you go or refuses to help themselves… tough love may be called for. It is important to remember that to stay or continue aiding addictions by continuing to bail them out of jams, always being there to clean up their messes, or watch over them is not always for their betterment and as such, it may be necessary to leave in realization they made their choices of which you are not responsible for, more so if they are an adult. They have their own minds and lives to live just as you have a right to yours. If the person of concern is under the legal age, though we may be the appointed legal guardian or parent, there are simply somethings we are not able or meant to do alone. It is important for the future of this young adult, teen, or child to get the proper and necessary care and treatments so they can go on to live full productive lives.
In choosing to stay making yourself believe they cannot do for themselves, eventually will lead to your resentments of them. In the end, the one who makes all the sacrifices becomes burnt out and becomes forced to realize they can no longer provide or stay as they have. It is then… the results still end up remaining the same. Either these Beloveds get help for themselves, or they need to live with their choices, as you are not responsible for their care any longer. There is no blame or shame for this realization or choices made, there is no fault for you choosing your life and overall well-being.
In setting boundaries, there are potential risks we run into when we do things out of placements of guilt… not wanting to disappoint others, not wanting to lose or risk our credibility or reputation of being the good guy or the sweetheart… the one who comes to the aid of others in time of need. We sometimes feel fueled when we are needed, admired, or respected for stepping up to the plate when others refuse or decline to do so. In this we tend to fall into the hero complex. While it always feels good to be needed, dependable and depended upon, reliable, trusted, etc. we often let it get ahead of ourselves into believing no one else can do what we do or do it as well. While this may very well be true. We cannot be everywhere for everyone all the time. With this, we also create a pitfall when we feel guilty for having others pitch in when we are not able to offer our time or services. We need to remember the importance of balanced selfcare. To always make time for our needs, our heart’s truest desires in life we wish to see fulfilled. When we choose to use this time out playing the hero… eventually that too can lead to resentments… “Why must I always be the one they call upon first?” “Why can’t anyone else do this for a change?” “Why should they??? You made sure you were always there; you gave them the feeling of dependability… that you are the reliable one… the needed one. You made them feel you are the only one who knows best how to get the task at hand done, instead of taking time out, if applicable, to teach or mentor others to do what you do, so you would no longer feel overextended or burning the candle out at both ends. When all is said and done, you managed to get what you wished for… but to what end? While it is good to step up to the plate to help in times of need and to be needed, make sure you allow others a chance too in stepping up, even if they need to be selected or called out to do so. In the end you will be doing yourself and others a favor.
In making healthy choices and setting boundaries, we often perceive an existence of unwritten/unspoken assumed rules, expectations, or requirements of us in which we tend to follow… more so the ones we make to ourselves or project out to others, acting as if others expect this from us.
Just as we begin making pacts or vows in taking better care of ourselves, to protect or stand up for our rights to be, think, do, or say, to finally throw our hat in the ring for that promotion just opening up, to go back to school after so much time has passed of putting the needs of others first, or deciding to take that much needed vacation… we continue to break our promises to fulfill our needs, desired plans, or goals… no matter their importance to us; perceiving out of guilt or fears others will see it is not the right time, place, or reason to uphold them in light of matters or the concerns of others. Or too, we believe if we do not do the wills, request, or follow the rules of such unwritten/unspoken expectations, requirements…. others may in all actuality have in store for us, we will face a wrath of consequences, that others will think less of us or will no longer call upon us trusting to help them in their time of need. That we will lose their respect or worse… we will lose these people we hold dear, as we choose to protect our needs or desires, standing our ground.
In truth, like with any of the cases or examples mentioned above, it is important to set healthy, reasonable, and attainable boundaries. That despite the experiences mentioned above… we always have a choice. We may face having to make some difficult choices, yet in the end… no matter the situations at hand… we do have a choice. We do have a final say. No one can force our hand to do anything that does not feel right, that causes us to endanger our health, safety, or rights to be. When we feel we have hit our limits or did the best we could and still we continue to find no resolve or happy medium, we then have a choice… a choice to stay in such unhealthy, unsatisfactory, or unattainable situations or we can walk away; realizing… knowing we did the best we could, but now either others will need to take over or others will need to find a way to do for themselves.
We cannot be expected to stay if it brings about more hardship unto ourselves, potential hazards, illness, undo stress, etc. In times like these, professional assistance may be required to ensure further hardship or potential harm does not become inflicted on any member involved within the experiences. That it is acceptable to walk away without blame, shame, guilt for having tried but admitting it may be more than one person or experience can handle.
Should such people find fault or oppose your need to follow your intuition and take a step back… even if temporary, this is no longer of your concern. You need to honor your needs too. Should a person become mentally, emotionally, or physically exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed… no one benefits in the end. In fact, more harm than good can come from this, no matter how well meaningful or intended. There is no shame in seeking further assistance as needed from those equipped to handle such situations. No one person or persons should be expected to do everything alone.
The potential pitfalls or hardships associated with agreements made or hold set expectations of others, is they can easily be broken. We as humans don’t always know or sense when something of the unexpected will come up, or if something ends up being more than one anticipated handling. Even if a person was to have an inkling or sense that something is not right with the agreed timing or plans made… if they cannot pinpoint why… it would be perceivably found more difficult to explain or prove why they cannot follow through at that time, leaving the person with such intuitions and dependencies placed upon them to feel conflicted, torn… obligated. Yet, more often… people have found that by not listening or paying attention to those intuitions, gut feelings, or sense of warnings can come at a price when they go ignored… often bringing with such experiences more than originally bargained for, adding additional difficulty, and making it even more challenging for all involved.
While we may feel that holding expectations and hopes that people will come through for us, we all need to be fair in realizing things are not always of our own choices or doings. That life may host other plans that require more immediate attention, and since most people cannot be in two places at one time…. A difficult choice, often unpleasing to them as it is to others, needs to be made. It would not be fair to uphold such agreements at times like these and too in fairness realize there is an underlying reason, perhaps that goes beyond our understanding at that time why things will need to be postponed… even perhaps indefinitely.
In fairness too, the largest issue many of us face is offering up to doing things we don’t feel aligned in heart to do, but make the choice to do so anyways out of such fears of perceived obligations, feelings of regrets within ourselves or others if we don’t, etc. These are not good enough reasons to enter into such agreements. For nothing good in the end can come of this for anyone… only more of the same fears, obligations, feelings of resentments, etc. will ensue.
It is always honorable to follow what we feel or sense is right and best from heart. We know and can sense if we feel aligned to help but the timing is off, or what they are asking you to do is not your strong suit or you sense this is not going to work out well, no matter your well intentions. In such cases, try to offer another time, another place, another person or perhaps offering to help them seek a professional that will appease all involved.
If one declines such an offer or attempts made, insisting it is you, they want helping them… don’t be afraid to set appropriate ground rules or honor your boundaries when something does not work well for you or you sense you will not work out well for them in light of what it is they expect of you to do. For any such persons who refuse to honor your needs and limitations sensed in such matters will not have your best interest at heart. It is then time to consider walking away to ensure further complications or regrets do not set if you had decided to stay and make it work against your better judgement, having things not turn out right.
It has been experienced that those whose heart is not fully into what they are doing or host great concerns of uncertainty, self-doubt, or knows their limitations but are expected, cohorts, or feel pressured to do what is asked of them, is when mistakes or mishaps can happen. Then the person who was relying on such help becomes angered, disappointed, or upset over the aggravations of an even further complication setting in as a result, often turning the blame on those who did their best attempts to help them, despite the senses of limitations or warnings.
In the end, we should never be afraid to offer our help or assistance to those in need. What is fair and reasonable to all involved is to honor your heart’s guidance and intuitions. To know when to enter into an agreement to help or when to take a step back and allow others the room to assist where needed. To never allow our fears, obligations, perceived existence of unwritten/unspoken assumed rules, expectations, or requirements, nor our ego playing the role of a hero come into our decision-making process when taking into consideration of helping others. To follow our hearts and offer our help out of mere love, respect, and gratitude for one another.
Namaste
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